Alright, let’s talk about them funny horoscopes, you know, the ones that tell you what’s gonna happen just ’cause of when you were born. I ain’t no expert, mind you, but I heard some things and seen some stuff, so I’ll tell ya what I know. It’s all just for laughs anyway, don’t go takin’ it too serious now.
Aries, them fire starters, they always in a hurry, like a chicken with its head cut off. Them horoscopes say they like to laugh at folks, which ain’t always nice, but sometimes folks do act a fool, so I guess it’s understandable. They say Aries are brave and like to argue, and well, that sounds about right. My neighbor’s boy is an Aries, and he’s always climbin’ trees and gettin’ into trouble. He ain’t afraid of nothin’, that one. And his ma, bless her heart, she’s always yellin’ at him. So yeah, fire starters, that’s them alright.
Then comes Taurus, them earth folks. They like things steady and slow, like a good ol’ mule. I read somewhere they good at workin’ the same job over and over, which ain’t a bad thing if you ask me. Steady work means steady money, and that’s what puts food on the table. Some horoscopes say they like to be alone, which is fine, I guess. Some folks just ain’t social butterflies, and that’s okay. My old Bessy, she was a Taurus, that cow was as stubborn as they come but she gave good milk, every day, same time, reliable as the sunrise. Them Tauruses, they like their comforts, good food, a warm bed…can’t blame ‘em for that.
- Aries: Always in a rush, brave as a lion, and likes a good argument.
- Taurus: Steady and slow, likes their comfort, and ain’t afraid of hard work.
Now, Gemini, them airheads, they’re a bit of a mixed bag. One minute they’re happy, the next they’re sad, like the weather in spring. They like to talk a lot, which ain’t always a bad thing, but sometimes you just want a bit of peace and quiet. I heard they’re smart, but sometimes they use that smarts for mischief. My niece is a Gemini, she’s always got a new story, and half the time I don’t know if she’s pullin’ my leg or not. But she’s got a good heart, that girl, even if she does talk your ear off.
And Cancer, them water signs, they’re all about feelings. They cry easy, but they love hard too. They like to stay home and take care of folks, which is a good thing, ’cause somebody’s gotta do it. They say Cancers are good cooks, and that’s always a plus in my book. Nothin’ better than a good home-cooked meal. My grandmama was a Cancer, she could make a feast out of nothin’, and she always knew how to make you feel better when you were down.
Leo, them fire signs again, they like to be the center of attention, like a rooster in a henhouse. They’re loud and proud, and they ain’t afraid to show off. Some folks say they’re bossy, but I think they just like things done their way. My brother-in-law is a Leo, always gotta be the big man, but he’s got a good heart, deep down. He’s the kinda fella that’ll give you the shirt off his back, even if he brags about it later. Them Leos, they like shiny things and fancy stuff, like a magpie collectin’ trinkets.
Virgo, another earth sign, they’re all about details. They like things neat and tidy, and they ain’t afraid to point out your mistakes. Some folks say they’re picky, but I think they just like things done right. My cousin is a Virgo, and her house is always spotless. You could eat off her floors, not that I would, but you could. She’s always organizin’ and cleanin’, drives me nuts sometimes, but I guess it’s better than livin’ in a pigsty.
- Gemini: Talkative, smart, and a bit changeable.
- Cancer: Emotional, caring, and good cooks.
- Leo: Loud, proud, and likes to be the boss.
- Virgo: Detail-oriented, neat, and likes things done right.
And so on and so forth with the rest of them signs. Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces. They all got their own quirks and whatnot. It’s like a garden, you got all sorts of flowers growin’, some pretty, some prickly, but they all make the garden what it is. Me? I don’t put too much stock in these horoscopes, but they’re fun to read sometimes, gives you a chuckle. Life’s too short to be serious all the time, ain’t it? So, read your funny horoscope, have a laugh, and then go on about your day. Don’t let them stars tell you what to do, you’re the boss of your own life, remember that.
And if your horoscope says you gonna have a bad day, well, just spit on the ground and say “Not today, Satan!” That’s what I do, and it works most of the time.
Tags: funny horoscopes, astrology, zodiac signs, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, humor, predictions
