Well, well, well, look at you, comin’ here for them horoscopes. You think some stars gonna tell ya what to do? Hah! I seen a lot in my days, but that’s a new one.
This here’s about them horoscopes the onion. What that even mean? Onion? Like what I put in my stew? Makes no sense. But you young folks, you always after somethin’ new, somethin’ fancy. Back in my day, we didn’t have no horoscopes. We had the weather. And we had our gut. That’s all we needed.
They say this onion thing, it’s funny. Makes jokes. But life ain’t no joke, I tell ya. You work hard, you keep your nose clean, and maybe, just maybe, things will go your way. Don’t need no stars to tell ya that.
I heard some folks talkin’ ’bout some “Zodiac” signs. What in the tarnation is a zodiac? Sounds like some kinda disease. They say Aquarius is the rarest one. Aquarius? Like a fish tank? Rarest, huh? Like findin’ a four-leaf clover in a field of weeds. Good luck with that, I say.
- Aries: You gonna stub your toe real bad this week.
- Taurus: Someone gonna borrow somethin’ and not give it back.
- Gemini: You gonna get a letter. Maybe good news, maybe bad.
- Cancer: You gonna find a dollar on the ground. Don’t spend it all at once.
They say this onion thing also talks about money. Money, money, money. That’s all anybody cares about these days. Back when I was a girl, we didn’t have much, but we had each other. We shared what we had. Now it’s every man for himself. Sad, ain’t it?
And relationships? Don’t even get me started on that. Love is a tricky thing. It’s like plantin’ a seed. You gotta water it, give it sunshine, and hope it grows. But sometimes, it just withers and dies. No use cryin’ over spilt milk, though. Just gotta pick yourself up and try again.
This onion thing, it’s like that gossip Mildred down the street. Always got somethin’ to say, but it ain’t always true. You gotta take it with a grain of salt, I tell ya. Don’t believe everything you hear. Especially not from some onion.
Now some folks say that this here onion horoscopes got some truth to it, it’s just hidden.
Like when they say you gonna go to space and die.
That means you need to slow down and be more careful.
And if it says someone named Jessica is gonna be on your TV, it means you need to watch more TV.
Or maybe less TV?
I can’t rightly say.
And about smackin’ your head and yellin’ “stupid”, well we all been there haven’t we?
Don’t mean you got low self-esteem.
Just means you had a rough day.
We all have ’em.
Now I’m hearin’ that this onion horoscopes thing is talkin’ about guns.
Guns!
Land sakes alive!
What’s this world comin’ to?
Back in my day, we didn’t have all this fuss about guns.
We had respect.
Respect for each other, respect for the law, and respect for firearms.
Now, these young folks, they don’t know nothin’ about respect.
They just runnin’ around causin’ trouble.
Makin’ a ruckus.
It’s a shame, I tell ya.
A real shame.
This world needs more love, more kindness, more understandin’.
Not more onion horoscopes, that’s for sure.
But hey, what do I know?
I’m just an old lady, set in my ways.
You young folks go on and read your horoscopes.
Just don’t come cryin’ to me when they don’t come true.
I remember one time, back when I was a little girl, my mama told me, “Don’t you go chasin’ after rainbows. You’ll never catch ’em.”
And she was right.
Same goes for these horoscopes.
Don’t go chasin’ after somethin’ that ain’t real.
You wanna know your future?
Look at your hands.
Look at your heart.
That’s where your future is.
Not in some silly onion horoscopes.
Now, go on and get outta here.
I got chores to do.
And don’t forget to close the door on your way out. Don’t need no flies gettin’ in here.
